still crazy after all these tears
I already told myself time loops. I took a picture in the mirror. I got mad buying flowers because they weren’t the colour I think of when I think of the friend they were for. There’s been too much bad news on the phone lately and I can’t really move through it in the way I want, saying everything will be alright, believing it sometimes, watching myself say that over a screen at work, spend so much time looking at my own face. Maybe video conferencing has been one of most debasing things that’s ever happened to me. It isn’t normal to see your own face for hours every day + now sometimes I feel kind of stressed out when I can’t.
Right now I just want to get high and watch war movies or read about horses, read about supernatural delusion, did you see the light, did you see where she put her hands, did you see it that way, did you decide to be doubtless or is that just how you are. I mean sometimes I lie and say I’ve been watching tv when I’ve actually daydreaming, and that kind of time is still very precious to me. And daydreaming is work if I feel like it, and sometimes it’s just better than being bored. I’m just consolidating my desires, I keep singing it as still crazy after all these tears.
I used to have this set of old pictures from the 70s, post-tornado somewhere landlocked, and I keep thinking of them. I keep thinking of the psychic online who takes a sharp, sharp breath before she begins a reading, eyes closed, bet she’s making fists with her hands when she does it. It does feel cool to have a new idea and to know that when I finish something, there’s something else. Someone told me something at a party that made me feel way better about finishing what I’m writing, like I could now try and give up a bit on the form of idealised perfectionism I think my work is meant to have. When I think of what I want it is mostly that I want the book to feel fast.
new notes - - - - - - - - - when it’s too early for work I think I need an antihistamine, I need a new life / she lifted her arms above her head and / hiring for day work at the ranch / look for other stormchasers / felt my face change as I was speaking as if I realised something about myself / thought I had experienced all forms of desire before this and then / super alkaline / 90 miles to texas fuck my life / endless expected tenderness / ‘but when you're wrong but want the feeling of being right’ / kissing around the corner of a wall, hands touching and then heads around and then bodies, maybe waiting for the bathroom at a party? / emergency tarot / and in a dream my dad tells me it’s evilism not capitalism / ‘because I want to feel intact’ / ‘I bet you fall in love really easy’ or ‘really easily’ / that I could get a job teaching kids to ride, I loved her enough to do it, deal with it, could be worse off / my niece noticing my lip balm caught in the skin on my mouth and asking if I’m bleeding / a place in town, a ----, I didn’t care, a little drive to work, paper plate dinner at the ranch, 1.5 weeks a year off together to go somewhere with a smaller sky, / and later, remembered saying I don’t want you to let anyone else touch you like this ever again and it was a stupid, hot thing to say but I meant it then / dumb as hell / ‘until I’ve remembered that I could belong to anyone if I tried hard enough’ / and how you were saying desire is so funny in how it removes the self even for a moment and then me saying I need to write that down and making it about me again